If I don't broadcast, I might flip inside out.

(1) I got a 55/125 on my first midterm in Biochemistry.

My professors sent out an email to me that reads, "we are concern about your performance in the first midterm for you have receive less than 50% of the total score and base on our previous experience, students who receive a grade less than 50% will most likely fail the entire course," obviously I'm paraphrasing here, but you get the gist of it.

(2) I got a 36/60 on my first Philosophy essay.

Writing Philosophy essays is hard. Just ask me, I'm currently experiencing it. I sorta made this rule for writing, think of it as one of the rules in Liane's world: if you can't write philosophically, then you can't write at all or you can't call yourself a writer at all.

I know that I'm not suppose to drawn myself in sorrow and self-pity and doubt. I mean they're only FIRSTS right?

Right now, I'm sorta preventing myself from breaking down. It is for me to say that because to me breaking down will not lead me anywhere but a black hole that contains sorrow, pity and doubt.

The email that was sent by my professors really put a dent on my heart. Somehow I felt like it was written in a condescending manner. But I know that the email was sent by good intentions, it did contain suggestions on how to do good on future exams.

I remember that I wrote something about wanting to have good grades in all my classes at the U. Somehow now I feel like I'm not gonna be able to fulfill that desire. But whatever.. who knows.. I told myself that I will make it up in my 2nd midterm and my 2nd paper.

I don't want to drown myself in doubt. I don't want to tell myself that I don't deserve to be in this school if I'm getting this kind of grades.

I've been told that Biochemistry was quite challenging. It was drilled in my brains a thousand times that writing philosophically is harder than writing a research paper.

I don't want to go through the drama of me not having ok grades in all my major classes. I do not want to go through doubting my choice of major again. I know that I've come so far and worked hard enough to get myself into this major and for me to just throw it all out because of some condescending email is just pure crappa.

As for my Philo class, well, it's interesting and confusing. I took the class because I wanted to learn something about Philosophy. Like I said before, in my previous posts, I did not have any single clue what Philosophy was really about before I entered that class. Now, I'm just full of "confused" questions and a somewhat "one-sided" mind.



sides: I just had to let all that out, you see I'd rather broadcast this to the whole world than to just talk to people. I'm kinda tired of talking. I'd rather write all the frustrations out.