*I'm so excited.. oh I just can't hide it..

It is officially a fact that alcohol has been a stimulant rather than a deppressant for me. I hear people tell stories that after they drink two or three bottles of beer, they instantly falter to their beds once they get home. But me, I am wide awake and wonky and hyper. Last night, I was REAALLLLYY hyper because one, I had a lot of caffeine (eating chocolates before playing bowling) and then into the midnight, I had alcohol. O good GOSH. I feel so bad for the person who had to suffer last night with me. LOL. I remember that person saying that I'm fun to be with when I'm drunk, and yet at the same time it's embarassing (if you're reading this, correct me if I'm wrong, I have a mild case of forgetfulness in my hands as you well know).

Macie May: Just randomly placed it in here.

So now that I got all that facts out of my head. I'm going to move on and talk about more not-so shallow stuff. I've been putting off going to the U for a while now. I am suppose to go there to apply for a job that's conjuncted with my work study award. I was suppose to go today, but due to the brain malfunction that happened to me last night, I just couldn't force myself to get off from bed at 11 in the morning. So anyway, with hopes that the greater good will work it's magic on me tomorrow, I just might be able to get my butt on a bus and head for that school (well, I really have to go tomorrow because if I don't take care of that by the end of this week, my award will be cancelled)

On to the more interesting and yet exciting stuff --- I recently began to take interest in getting into medical school again. I haven't been really looking at any medical facts and figures for the past year or so because of the confusion that I'm feeling towards getting into it. Then, the curious bug hit me again a week ago and now once again, I'm thumbing through the medical websites that the net could offer. So, if you're a med or a premed student reading this blog right now, do you have any sites to recommend for me to sift through? I've already gone through the Princeton Review site and I also know the AAMC and the AMA website as well. What I'm trying to look for now are sites that discuss or rather tell stories or experiences of people that are trying to get into med school, the highs and lows of being a med student, and the crazy life of a resident. So please, give me some. I need a lot of perspective right now because frankly, time is ticking away so fast these days that I feel like I just need to make a decision about these kind of things right now. I'm gonna stop myself right now before I jump onto any medical school pep talk on whether or not I will go and apply to it in the future, I shall go on and talk about the present tense, since I feel that talking about the future will just lead me to become even more anxious about what I will do with my life.

Some bench

Anyway, I have 6 more days left till I'm officially back to school. I'm really excited because for one, I get to be busy again. YES!! No more bumming around the house, no more not being useless during the day. I'm finally going to be able to label myself as being insane in the sense that "I'm insane because of a good cause" and not because of "I'm insane because I'm not doing anything at all".

As of last Monday of this week, I'm in the process contemplating on whether or not I should have a life at the U. You see, I'm kinda setting a goal for myself, I want to at least 3.0s and above in all the classes that I will take in that school. I'm really not up for seeing any Cs and Ds in my record and I kinda have to get Bs and As or else it's bye bye degree for me. So for me to be able to attempt the possible, I have to have no life in that school. But thinking about it right now, it's easy to accomplish having no life in that school since it's a pretty big school and it's easy to just cramp up into one space and pretend to be interested in whatever you are reading than just walking around and getting lost in a big campus like that. It's a pretty big school, it's a city within the city and there's 20000+ students that go to that school and I'm pretty sure I will have a hard time finding friends that will be my "friends for life" kinda thing. Hmm.. am I shallow or am I shallow?

The intersection that leads to the ARTS buildings

On to my next dilemma, I talked about joining the Filipino American Student Association in that school and right now, I'm kind of thinking of not joining it because well, it's part of my having no life thing. But then again, if I do decide to join that group, I will have the chance to meet friends (if I don't get too snobby or suplada) and there's a big chance that these friends might be able to help me cope up living in a big city like U and another bigger chance that these friends might be my "friends for life".

In comes my MAJOR issues ---- One of my best friends asked me why I just don't major in English instead. She SAYS, that I'm a good writer, no idea how true that statement of hers is. Anyway, I told her that I've already put so much time and effort on finishing up the majors of Biochemistry and putting that into waste by shifting would be a stupid because seriously, who would want to put the knowledge that I've gained from Org Chem to waste? And I seriously don't want to throw that class and my other classes down the drain because they are the most challenging classes that I ever took, but that's beside the point. Although the thought of majoring in English didn't really leave my mind after I talked to that friend of mine. I kind of thought, "well, if I can't major in English, why can't I just do a minor with it?", so I looked at the minor's page of the U and to my dismay, they don't offer any English minor. So sad. I guess I just have to settle for classes that requires a lot of writing.

Mary Gates Hall (or at least one side of it)

And another major issue --- I re-checked the DARS (the auditing system that the U website has that checks the classes that you still need to take in order to graduate with the major that you're in) and to my surprise, the darn system tells me that I still need to take a Biology class. ARRGGH.. What is up with advisors?? I said before that I already checked with my major's department to see if I should still take more bio courses and the adviser that I talked to there said that I didn't have to anymore, but then this system tells me that I still have to. Good gosh, who do I believe?

Ok, my final rave I know probably by now you all are starting to feel a little sleepy since this post is longer than I intended for it to be. But can you blame me? Once the writing bug hits you, it never goes away. Anyway, I realize that since the university is surrounded by coffee shops, coffee shops will probably be my good place to be at. It is where I will find sanity amidst all the projects, the papers, the quizzes and the assignments that my darn good professors will give me. Ahhh.. my future.. it's getting a little brighter now.


[all pictures taken by ME]

I say BARE.

May sinabi/ginawa sayo ang isang tao na nakasakit sa damdamin mo. Pero instead na magalit ka sa taong yun, tinawanan mo na lang sya, at nagkunwari ka na lang na hindi ka naapektuhan.

You do it everytime. You pretend like as if it's just a small thing when really it's a big thing for you. You pretend that it's nothing when it's something.

You pretend because you don't want to make a big deal. You pretend because you don't want to cry. You pretend because you don't want to expose yourself. You pretend because you don't want to become vulnerable.

But don't you think it's tiring? Don't you think that it's tiring to keep pretending? Don't you think it's tiring to keep storing feelings of betrayal, of hurt, and of rejection inside you and pretend that they didn't exist in your life at all?

Why is it so easy for us to help other people with their problems when the problems we have ourselves we can't solve? Why is it so easy for us to ask our friends to pour out their problems to us, when we ourselves can't even pour our own problems to them?

We're born hypocrites. We tell people who are sad to cheer up, to be happy and to not let the sadness rule their lives. But while we do that, deep inside our hearts, we are in knee deep s***. We tell others to be happy, yet we can't tell ourselves to be happy. We can't tell ourselves to not let the sadness ruin happy moments in our lives.

It's exhausting. But what can you do? If you don't pretend, you don't know if you either lose or win. It's a lose-lose situation. You pretend, you feel crappy. You don't pretend, you don't know how much consequences of you not pretending is gonna make.

What a life.

Random na MAKATA na MADRAMA

mahirap kalimutan ang mga bagay na hindi naman dumating sa buhay mo.

it's hard not to mind things that are not within your reach.

may namimiss ako.

gusto ko ng pumasok.

talking while walking in the snow is my second best date scenario.

i want to fly away.

gusto kong umuwi.

gusto kong mag-photo trip sa downtown.

gusto kong matuto magluto ng carbonara.

madali pala ko mawalan ng self-esteem, pero mabilis ko rin naman nababalik.

madali lang pala akong patawanin, kahapon ko lang namalayan.

tinitignan ko yung ugali ni curly kahapon. nung kaming dalwa lang, matino sya. pagdating nung dalwang kong nanay, ang kulit at ang tigas ng ulo na. napapaghalataan na spoiled sa dalwa. ang labo nya kahapon kasi e, kung kelan nakain kami dun gusto makipaglaro, dun nagpapansin. nung umaga naman, nung nilalaro ko, ayaw maglaro. tamad. pesteng lalake.

and when she says she wants somebody else, hope you know that she doesn't mean you.

pareho kami ng kaibigan ko ngayon. we're both trying hard to forget.

read between the lines na lang. tinatamad akong magform ng isang coherent entry e.

i usually end entries like this with a photograph. pero wala akong makita sa library ko na magfit dito e. (E ANO NGAYON?)




hay nako. hirap ng walang ginagawa. you have way too much time in your hands to think.

"MUST LOVE DOGS"

It's amazing how much compassion I feel for dogs. I can't figure out whether I'm too weird or too sweet to feel that way.

I remember this one class day during my junior year in high school. Our English teacher separated the class into small groups so that we could discuss the Jack London book, "Into the Wild". We were given a set of questions that could help us facilitate a healthy discussion of the book. One of the questions asked was, "If you and your dog were stuck in a snowy mountain, with no heating devices of any kind that could warm you up, what would you do in order to keep yourself warm enough to survive? Would you kill your dog, and make a blanket out of its skin, or would you just sit there and just freeze to death?".

I chose to freeze to death.

Of course, everyone in my group, including our teacher who was listening to our discussion, acted all surprise. Their faces were saying "wow, this girl's stupid". The teacher said to me, "Wouldn't you rather live and let the dog die? Wouldn't you rather live so that you could still see your family?". I just smiled awkwardly and just said, "well, that's just me, I could never see myself killing a dog".

It's funny because before I move here in Seattle, I couldn't care less about any breed of dogs. I just saw them as "things" that eat, sleep, growl, and play. I despised the dogs that we owned back home because of how selfish they are for not sharing food with each other. There was also a point wherein I abused a dog just because he didn't share his food with our other dogs.

It's funny how things change. It's funny now that I can't stand people who leave their dogs in their cars. It's funny now that I can't stand people who abuse their dogs. It's funny know that I think of dogs as humans.

I heard him *burp* this afternoon. ECK.
I love it when dogs tilt their heads to the side. You know, the way that we tilt ours when we're looking at something that we can't figure out.
I love that no matter how old a dog is, they're still there to listen to you, to bug you when they want you to pet them, and to just sit with you when you're sitting all alone by yourself.